lazarus, lazarus
by waterlit
Summary: Sesshomaru dies over four lifetimes, until he doesn't. [SessRin]


Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha.

Summary: Sesshomaru dies over four lifetimes, until he doesn't.

Pairing: [SessRin]

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**[lazarus, lazarus]**

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_I'm begging you for some sign but you still got nothing to say_

_Don't turn your back on me, don't walk away_

_I'm a better man now than I was that day_

Keane, Sovereign Light Cafe

:::

Autumn is closing in on summer, and Sesshomaru is tired. He longs for the hills, for rolling grass plains and lush forests, the sun on his back and the wind in his hair.

"Prepare for a visit to my lady mother's palace sometime soon," he tells Jaken. "Pencil it into my schedule. Cancel some appointments if necessary."

The little man nods.

Sesshomaru leaves his secretary (once his courtier – oh, how he has come down in the world!) and drives out to escape the dying heat. He misses the ages long past. Modern Japan is not like his home in the past, the feudal nation of righteous samurai warriors and demons squabbling for power amidst the green land. Now, tall steel and cold concrete have replaced old stone and ancient trees, and the demons that remain cloak their power and seek to blend in with humans.

So Sesshomaru comes to a little garden built around a shrine to a forgotten deity, situated just at the edge of the gleaming city, a clean, peaceful place of refuge. Sitting on a stone bench, he closes his eyes and traverses through space and time, back to the days of his youth.

Peace reigns here – birds are chirping – frogs are croaking – silence is paramount – something crashes.

Sesshomaru opens his eyes, annoyed at the disruption. A girl lies sprawled on the grass near him; her jeans are slightly muddy and her books lie at the foot of his bench.

"I'm sorry," she says. "I tripped."

Sesshomaru tries to convey his displeasure through a frown. He's quite proud of his frown. It used to scare inferior demons into submission.

The girl merely laughs and picks herself up from the grass. "I'm so clumsy," she says.

Sesshomaru sighs and inches the books away from him with his shoes.

"Thanks," she says, looking up at him. She pauses, taps a finger against her lips.

"Stop staring at me," he says. "It's rude."

"Do I know you?" she asks. "I feel like I know you, like I've known you all my life."

"No," he says. "No. You don't know me." _Oh, I know you, I know you. _Sometimes, there is no way to forget the contours of a familiar face, the tilt of the nose, the curve of the lips and the smile that reaches the eyes, a face that is lit with a glow from within.

"I'm Rin," she says, suddenly, without prompting. "Remember this name?"

"No," he says. _Yes_.

"That's strange," she says, twirling a lock of dark hair. "You seem so familiar. Are you sure we haven't met before? I come to this garden a lot; perhaps we've passed each other before."

"Not in this garden," he says. "Not in this lifetime."

The girl cocks her head and stares at him. "What are you saying?"

Sesshomaru stands. "Goodbye," he says, and leaves the girl behind, her mouth agape.

Somehow, he manages to make it back to his car before grief overcomes him.

:::

one –

Sesshomaru knows many things. He knows how to rule his lands; he knows how to wield his swords; he knows how Rin feels about him; he knows how he feels about Rin.

When the two of them are together, Sesshomaru yearns to touch Rin. He can smell her yearning too; it is thick in the air and very pleasing to his nose. He can feel the arousal, the quickening beat in his chest, the blood rising in his veins, the animal in him rising to the surface of the tension.

He wants nothing more than to press her to him and kiss her, to live life with her by his side.

But she is a human, a little human, not a demoness of high lineage and power. She is weak, she is mortal, and when she dies, he will be left alone to live the rest of his long life in solitude and despair.

So Sesshomaru takes her, beds her, and makes Rin his mistress. He doesn't marry her after; instead, he mates with a dog demoness from the East who leaves soon after she bears his pup.

One day, when Rin lies soft in Sesshomaru's arms, he looks down at her. "Do you blame me for not marrying you?"

"No, Rin does not blame her lord," Rin says. She smiles at him; her smile is as bright as ever. "Rin would not dare to dream of becoming the Lady of the West. She knows her place."

"I cannot marry a human," Sesshomaru tells her. "That is the only thing that is stopping me from giving you the proper status."

"Rin does not mind." Rin's fingers reach upwards to intertwine themselves with Sesshomaru's silky hair. "Rin only asks to be by her lord's side."

"That is sufficient for you?"

"That is sufficient," Rin says. "And Lord Sesshomaru has honoured Rin by considering her worthy enough to be his ... concubine."

"Concubine..." Sesshomaru says. "I suppose you are right, Rin."

"Just... don't forget Rin when she dies, that is all Rin asks."

Sesshomaru's fingers ghost across Rin's face and neck. 'I won't, Rin. I will remember you."

The years fly by like the rush of water over a precipice; the seasons blur into a quickening dance that spans five decades. The noose tightens around Rin and she grows old and bent. Sesshomaru, still proud and untouched by the flowing years, holds her and strokes her thinning, white hair. He marvels at how she seems to have shrunk over the years till she fits in the contours of his body like a child, as she once did.

One night, Rin gives him a contented smile and slides her tiny, wrinkled palm into his. She takes the chance to remind him of his promise. "Don't forget Rin when she dies, Lord Sesshomaru."

"I won't," Sesshomaru assures her. He touches her forehead gently, solemnly.

They both go to sleep, as they have done for decades.

When morning comes, Sesshomaru stirs. When he finds a cold bundle in his arms, fear grips him; he draws Tenseiga but nothing happens. Rin, his dear, sweet Rin, is now lost to him. Sesshomaru drops Tenseiga and sinks to his knees.

He closes his eyes, all the better to mourn.

– he dies a little inside.

:::

"Do you remember Rin?" Sesshomaru asks.

Jaken nods. "Yes, Lord Sesshomaru, of course I remember that child."

"I saw her a few days ago."

"Lord Sesshomaru? Do you wish me to track down her address and other details?"

"No."

"As you wish, my lord," Jaken says, bowing and moving to the desk nearby to complete his work.

"Jaken."

"Yes, my lord?"

"Rin doesn't change. No matter how many times she is reborn."

"Lord Sesshomaru is so wise and observant..."

Sesshomaru holds up a hand. "No. I have been... following her movements for centuries now. She looks the same; she acts the same. Always."

"My lord misses Rin very badly," Jaken says. He beams once he says it, as if he has just discovered something novel. "For how many more centuries will you track her?"

"As many as I can."

"My lord, if you will take my advice, I would suggest that you ignore the little brat from now on. She has been a nuisance, always, and will cause my lord no end of misery."

"Did I ask for your advice, Jaken?" Sesshomaru asks unsmilingly. "No, do not speak. I've heard enough from you for now."

Sesshomaru returns to contemplating both Rin and his life during the feudal era.

:::

two –

Sesshomaru continues his journeys after Rin's passing. He is sure she will be reborn in time, and he is _determined_ to find her. And find her he does, in the vicinity of a tired castle crumbling from the inside. This time around, she is a little maid leaning against her broom as the wind sends the autumn leaves flying across the courtyard.

Sesshomaru watches her from the air, watching as she wipes the sweat from her face, as she dips her hand into a bucket of water, as she sweeps the leaves with a graceful sleight of hand.

This time around, he considers sending a human emissary to the castle to ask for her hand in marriage. After all, he already has an heir – surely he can afford to sire a few half-breeds along the way?

So buy her from her overlord he does. He has her brought to his castle, though he watches her from shadowy corners, never once revealing himself to her until her eighteenth birthday, when he grants her an audience.

"Rin," he says, when all the servants have bowed and left the chamber.

The girl bows. "My lord, my name is –"

"Your name is Rin," he says. His voice comes out harsher than he expects it to. "Your name is now Rin. Forget any other names you might have."

The girl bends her waist. She is willowy, all bones and endless elegance. "A – as my lord commands."

He can smell her fear, her annoyance at being told to bury an integral part of her, but he can't allow her to keep her birth name, when she is so clearly Rin.

He keeps her by his side, his little tea-girl, and something tears inside him every time he sees her quiver when he so much as looks at her. She is so, so different from his Rin, his sweet Rin, the girl who saw beauty in every glance, who found joy in every sound, who felt laughter in every touch, every story.

Proximity, however, breeds familiarity, and sometimes even love; as the days go pass, the girl starts to fear him less and love him more. Years later, Sesshomaru will learn that this Rin, this second Rin, was suffering from Stockhom Syndrome, but for now, he smiles and brushes his fingers against hers, glad to see his beloved back again.

Then the axe falls – the girl falls and breaks her neck one fine day. Thankfully, Sesshomaru is at hand to wield Tenseiga, and he watches her carefully after that, for he does not want to feel the pain of losing Rin again, so soon.

But Sesshomaru is at cross purposes with fate. Some years after, which are slow to Rin the second, mortal woman as she is, and swift to Sesshomaru, whose lifespan stretches beyond the human imagination, Rin closes her tired eyes even as a baby boy, with dog-like ears, wails in the birthing room. There is certainly nothing wrong with his lungs, but Sesshomaru finds that there is everything wrong with Rin, for the midwife shakes her head and tells him to hug his new son instead.

Sesshomaru reaches again for Tenseiga, but finds, to his horror, that Tenseiga still only bestows second chances. There is no third chance for Rin the second.

– he dies a little inside.

:::

"I saw Rin that day," Sesshomaru says.

"What did you do?" Inuyasha asks, handing his half-brother a glass of red wine.

"You should not drink beer," Sesshomaru says, watching Inuyasha open a can of cheap beer. "It'll give you a beer belly."

"Like I care," Inuyasha says. "Kagome isn't here anymore. I don't need to bother with looking good, do I?"

Sesshomaru sees the flash of grief in Inuyasha's eyes. "I'm sorry," he says, something deep bubbling up in his own hidden heart.

Inuyasha shrugs. "So are you going to talk to her? Finally make things right?"

"I don't know."

"It's about time you get off that high horse of yours."

"Shut up."

"Don't live in regret," Inuyasha says. "Grief will kill you in the end."

"You haven't died yet."

"Yeah, but you will. You miss her so much. You've already lost her three times. Do you want to lose her a fourth time? I mean, you can't be such a big idiot, right?"

Sesshomaru glares at Inuyasha. "Shut up."

"It's the truth," Inuyasha says. He shrugs. "Do whatever floats your boat. I don't really care."

:::

three –

In this lifetime, Rin is a priestess. Her name, of course, isn't Rin – she is now Midoriko, namesake of the priestess who created the infamous Shikon jewel in ages past.

Sesshomaru stumbles upon her when he is travelling home from his mother's palace. There she is, beautiful and deadly, as she never has been before, standing in an open field, the wind in her hair and the sunlight on her face, facing a huge demon.

But she is a powerful priestess this time around, not a tiny girl who requires his protection, and she soon suppresses the demon's power and seals him into a flask that hangs from her belt.

Sesshomaru wonders whether it would be safe for him to land, and land he does. He kidnaps her without too fuss – it seems that even though she is powerful, she does not have the power the late Midoriko had.

Sesshomaru binds Rin-Midoriko with his own power, and she lives in his castle now, a pale young woman with dark hair like the threads of night and large eyes like the pools atop the pure mountains.

"Let me go," she begs, once, twice, over and over. "Please. Let me return to my home."

"Your home has always been with me, through the centuries," Sesshomaru says.

He says it again and again, until he believes it himself. He loves her, and he denies her wishes so that he can keep her by his side. He doesn't want to lose her again, ever. Then she dies of heartbreak and grief some months later. Sesshomaru contemplates saving her with Tenseiga, but this time around, Inuyasha stops him.

"Don't bring her back into misery," Inuyasha says. "Not if you love her."

Sesshomaru doesn't revive Rin-Midoriko. But as he holds her cold body close, he wonders if time is drawing her further from him with every rebirth.

– he dies a little inside.

:::

Sesshomaru finds himself heading back to the same little garden the very next week. He doesn't know why – cannot explain why – but he goes, all the same, yearning to see his Rin again.

And see her he does; she sits in the garden, attempting to sketch a plant.

"Rin," he says, and takes a seat beside her.

"Oh, it's you," the girl says. She drops her pencil and stares up at him. "I still don't know your name."

"Sesshomaru," he says. "My name is Sesshomaru."

"That's a nice name," Rin says. "It sounds familiar."

"Because you've heard it over a few lifetimes," Sesshomaru mutters.

"Sorry?"

"Nothing," he says. Suddenly, he reaches out to take her hand, to trace the lines on her palm with his own long fingers.

Rin stares at him, at his actions.

"Do you feel like we know each other?" Sesshomaru asks. "Like we had a history in our past lives?"

"That's what I said the first time we met," Rin says, laughing. She pulls her hand away from Sesshomaru, and suddenly, his hand is empty and cold, as if he is trying to grasp the wind before the dawn.

When Sesshomaru recounts this to Inuyasha, the half-demon laughs.

"What did you do when you got rejected?" Inuyasha asks. He can barely hold down his sake because he is laughing like a hyena.

"I didn't get rejected," Sesshomaru says, frowning. "We've a date next week."

Inuyasha sobers up. "Are you going to tell her that she's the reincarnation of your long-dead lover?"

"Not this time round," Sesshomaru says. "Not this time."

"You've thought it through?" Inuyasha asks.

"I'm sure of it," Sesshomaru says. "I don't want to make her suffer this time around."

:::

four –

"I feel like we've known each other for ages," Rin says.

"You say that all the time," Sesshomaru says. He smiles at her, and pulls her closer.

"Do you believe in past lives?" Rin asks. "Sometimes I have these dreams, and you're inside."

"What do you dream of?" Sesshomaru asks.

"I dream of you", she says, "and of a great white dog, of demons and priestesses."

"You have a vivid imagination," Sesshomaru says.

"And then I dream I lived with you in the sky, and we were happy together until I died."

"Is that so," Sesshomaru says, and his chest constricts.

"It makes me sad," Rin says.

"Why?"

"You must have been sad when I died."

"It was a dream, Rin."

"I know, but..."

"It was a dream, Rin," Sesshomaru says, and presses his lips to her forehead.

Above them, the nascent stars twinkle, and Sesshomaru remembers those dark days after Rin (the first) died, when he grasped in the darkness for hope, drenched in shadows and in sadness galore.

"We'll be happy this time, I promise," Sesshomaru says.

"I know we will, Lord Sesshomaru," Rin says.

"What did you call me, Rin?" Sesshomaru asks. He sits up and stares at the girl.

"What I have always called you."

"You remember?" Sesshomaru asks.

"Everything," she says. "How could I forget? I remember all our encounters."

"Rin," Sesshomaru says. He takes her hands into his.

"It's been a long time," Rin says. She lays her head on his shoulder. "I've missed you, Lord Sesshomaru."

"Will you forgive me all the wrongs I've done to you?" Sesshomaru asks. "All those times made you miserable?"

"Of course! You've given me all I ever wanted, Lord Sesshomaru. You've never forgotten me."

"I haven't," Sesshomaru agrees, and he leans forward to kiss his beloved.

– above him, the flowers are blooming.

– _Fin. –_

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A/N: I hope you enjoyed this! I'm not sure if I caught all the tense errors here while editing, so if I didn't, I apologise.

If you enjoyed this, I would like to point you to some works which influenced this piece, if you haven't read them already – the first is Correction, by Resmiranda (also a SessRin fic), which is beautifully written and terribly tragic. The second is everlasting, by songs (a ATLA fic), which is also very heartbreaking.

Thanks for reading thus far – have a great weekend ahead. All suggestions and criticism are welcome, if you choose to write a review (:


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